A Totally Chill, Definitely Not Expensive Trip to the Garden Centre

A Totally Chill, Definitely Not Expensive Trip to the Garden Centre

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So I said I was just going in for compost. That was the plan. One bag. In and out. Twenty minutes tops.

Spoiler: I did not stick to the plan.

Turns out garden centres are dangerous places. You walk in thinking you’re a responsible adult, and ten minutes later you’re cradling a £30 houseplant like it’s a newborn, while also Googling “how much sun does this need???”

Here’s how my day went, roughly:

Step 1: The Compost Section (Where I Was Supposed to Stop)
Straight to the back, head down, no distractions — that was the vibe. But then I passed the seed packets. And then the bargain bulbs. And then... oh god, the herbs.

Somewhere between the rosemary and the chili seedlings, I blacked out.

Step 2: Plant Overload
Did I need another fern? No.
Did I buy another fern? Obviously.
Did I also get one of those plants with leaves that look like tiny watermelons? Yes.
Did I know what it was called? No idea. Might be poisonous. Looks cool though.

Also, somewhere during this phase, I ended up with a ceramic gnome in my basket. I didn’t mean to get it, but he had a face like he’s seen things. Felt like he deserved a home.

Step 3: The Café Pitstop
Hot tip: garden centre cafés go hard. I’m talking proper mugs of tea and a scone the size of your fist. I sat next to an older couple loudly arguing about begonias and honestly? Vibe of the day.

Did I need cake? No. Did I eat two slices because they had a deal? You bet I did.

Step 4: Somehow Spent £83
At checkout, I did that thing where you try to act casual even though your brain is screaming, “WHAT DID WE BUY??”

Apparently: 3 random plants, Compost (the only thing I came for, nice), A gnome, A hanging basket I forgot I picked up, A “bee hotel” (??) But why? I will never know!, And a little sign that says “Plant Lady” which is, frankly, untrue but whatever

Step 5: No Regrets (Sort Of)
Got home, rearranged the plants seventeen times, and now the windowsill looks like a rainforest. The gnome is on guard near the coop. The bee hotel is… somewhere? I’ll figure that bit out later.

All in all: 10/10 day out. Would recommend, but only if you leave your bank card at home.

Moral of the story: garden centres are just IKEA for plant people. You go in for one thing, leave with your entire personality rebranded.